Andrew Jackson pulled into the last open parking spot in front of the café, turned off the ignition, and began preparations for the 30-foot journey from his truck to the door.
First he pulled the hood of his Viking-brand parka up over his John Deere hat, then pulled his scarf up over his face leaving an opening just large enough to see out of. Finally, pulling on his Thinsulate mittens, he opened the truck door and stepped out into the arctic deep freeze that had hung around now for several weeks but which no one had, as yet, got used to.
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You could freeze to death on a 30-foot walk in this kind of weather if you weren’t properly dressed. Although, truth be told, you’d have to walk pretty slowly for that to happen.
Andrew stopped inside the door of the café to undo his previous preparations, taking his mittens off first and then pulling his hood down and untying his scarf. He headed over, as usual, to the table by the window.
“Can’t get anything done in this weather,” he said as he slid into the last empty chair at the table. “I spend literally 12 hours a day just putting on or taking off clothing. There’s no time left for anything else.”
“I don’t think that’s the correct use of the word literally,” said Andrew’s son Randy, already seated at the table across from his brother Brady, who was finishing off a plate of hash browns and eggs.
“I literally don’t care,” said Andrew. “My point is that it’s too cold outside. Somebody should do something.”
“I blame it on Trudeau,” said Grant Toews, who was sitting with his back to the window. “He should never have signed the Kyoto accord, or he should have signed it, or whatever. I don’t know whether he did or didn’t, but whichever it was, he clearly should have done the opposite because it hasn’t helped at all.”
“That’s what happens when you elect a Liberal government,” said Andrew. “They’re always signing things, or not signing them as the case may be, and the weather just keeps getting worse.”
“I’m pretty sure Stephen Harper signed the Kyoto accord,” said Brady, pushing away his empty plate and picking up his coffee cup.
“Oh, of course,” said Grant sarcastically. “Why do we have to blame Stephen Harper for everything he did?”
“I’m not blaming Harper,” said Brady. “I’m just pointing out that he signed the Kyoto accord, not Trudeau. Or was that the Copenhagen accord?”
“The bottom line,” said Andrew, pouring cream into the coffee that the server had just set down in front of him, “is that it’s very cold outside and somebody needs to be held responsible. And I vote for Trudeau.”
“Not the first time you’ve done that,” said Randy.
Grant looked at Andrew skeptically. “Is this true?” he asked. “Did you vote for Trudeau?”
“Maybe I did and maybe I didn’t,” said Andrew. “No one will ever know for sure. Just like Trudeau signing the Kyoto accord.”
“Trudeau definitely didn’t,” said Brady. “I think we’ve established that.”
“Who can say for sure?” said Andrew.
“Everyone can,” said Brady. “It’s a matter of public record.”
“Well then, I think we can all agree that this current ice age which started just before Christmas and is forecast to end next week is entirely due to Trudeau’s failure to sign the Kyoto accord,” said Grant.
“Also the Polar vortex is partly to blame,” said Randy.
“The Polar vortex isn’t real,” said Grant. “It’s just something the liberal media invented to keep people from blaming the Liberal government for the weather.”
“Oh those liberals, and oh those Liberals,” said Brady. “Will they stop at nothing?”
“Why would they?” said Grant. “They don’t care how cold it is. They’re all vacationing on some tropical island with Genghis Khan.”
“Aga Khan you mean,” said Randy.
“Whoever,” said Grant. “It’s just a good thing we have the Conservative opposition there to keep those jet-setting Liberals in their place.”
“Who can forget Rona Ambrose sitting on the deck of a rich supporter’s private yacht, tweeting her righteous indignation about Justin Trudeau holidaying on a rich supporter’s private island?” said Brady.
“Everybody can,” said Andrew. “And aside from you I think everybody has.”
There was a brief silence.
“It’s supposed to warm up next week,” said Grant. “I hear it’s going to be +1 on Wednesday.”
“Ugh,” said Andrew. “Everything will be slushy and gross.”
“I know, right?” said Grant. “I’m going to have to put windshield washer fluid in my truck again. On the bright side, that’ll mean the washer fluid warning light will finally be off.”
“I just hope it doesn’t rain,” said Randy. “Rain in winter is the worst.”
“Only one way to stop it from raining in winter,” said Brady.
“What’s that?” asked Randy.
“Vote NDP,” said Brady.
